Nightmare

I had a nightmare this morning, the horror of which I'll try to describe. No zombies or vampires for me, no murder, blood, death or gore. Nope this was purely self-induced torture.

In my dream I was in two places, living at home with my parents, a window into their world, my mother, bless 'er, showing me things and demonstrating everything, her new laptop, her new camera, new pictures of my niece, all this banal and regular stuff, and I was supposed to be impressed and interested, I couldn't muster it.

I was in another place, the flat here in Glasgow, flatmate Alan had recieved a letter from my ex- Rachel, just a normal hey, how you doin' kind of letter, friends-like. He was reading it out aloud, and I could hear him. The jealously and bitterness and maybe even regret I was feeling was choking.

So I awoke in a cold sweat. 7am. Same time I used to wake up when I had to get up for work, but now no more.

So all day, I've been trying to find meaning, finding something to grasp hold of. Something to believe in.

A person?

On one of those high end audio messageboards they mentioned a company down in the south of England that might have an opening that appealed to me. I could stay with my brother whilst chasing it. But could I let go of everything up here?

Others have.

What would it be like in a new town where I don't know anyone, no chance of bumping into friends from university or ex-girlfriends in the street, or getting the call to go photoing. None of the baggage I have here. That terrifies me.

Well, not yet. There's still things I need to pursue here. To a bitter end or blissful sunshine.